A Review of "Crucial Conversations"

It took me a few months but I finally finished reading “Crucial Conversations”. Overall, I didn’t get as much out of this book as I was hoping for, but here are a few things I did learn from and enjoy:

How to Avoid The Sucker’s Choice
If you missed my previous post on Uncomfortable Conversations, you can see the explanation of The Sucker’s Choice here. I really liked learning about this principle and here’s how you avoid it:

1. Clarify what you really want.
2. Clarify what you really don’t want.
3. Present your brain with a more complex problem by combining the first two items into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options. e.g.

• Is there a way to tell your peer your real concerns and not insult or offend him?
• Is there a way to talk to your neighbors about their annoying behavior and not come across as self-righteous or demanding?

Mastering Your Stories
In every crucial conversation whether you realize it or not, you are telling yourself a story about what is happening. You might be inventing reasons for why another person is acting how they are or filling in blanks in your knowledge in other incorrect ways. Particularly, watch out for these three clever stories:

1. Victim Stories – “It’s Not My Fault”
2. Villain Stories – “It’s All Your Fault”
3. Helpless Stories – “There’s Nothing Else I Can Do”

How to Speak Honestly Without Offending

1. Speak with Confidence
2. Speak with Humility
3. 3. Speak with Skill

What to Do When You Still Disagree?
Sometimes despite our best efforts in Crucial Conversations, you might still ended up disagreeing with the other party. In this case, remember your ABCs:

1. Find what you do Agree with.
2. Build on those points.
3. Compare the differences.

The Four Methods of Decision Making
There are four common ways of making decisions:

1. Command
2. Consult
3. Vote
4. Consensus

How to Choose Which Method to Use

1. Who cares?
2. Who knows?
3. Who must agree?
4. How many people is it worth involving?

Has anyone else read “Crucial Conversations? Did you get have any other principles that you really enjoyed? Have you implemented any of these principles in your crucial conversations with any success?

Hiring family/friends - A review of "Atlas Shrugged"

I just finished reading "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. It took me 3 months and the only reason I made it through was because I had the audio version from Audible. There were some long rants, one monologue lasted over 3 hours in the audio version but overall it was a fascinating story with an interesting message. Without spoiling it too much it is about what happens in society when it is ruled by lazy, selfish people.

There were a lot of political and social messages in this book but the main message I took from it was this:

Need should never be the primary reason for giving someone a job or anything else.

The antagonists of the story preached that the world would be a better place if everything was shared among everyone according to their needs. In principle, this sounds like a great idea, but in practice it quickly becomes a disaster.

How does this apply to startups?

And now to my point. I have worked in a number of startups that have hired friends and family members. I've worked at 3 different companies with my wife, I currently work with my bro-in-law and have worked with my closest friends and it has almost always been a good experience.

The trouble with hiring family and friends comes when you hire them based purely on their need, not their qualifications for the job. If I know a person well enough to know I want to work with them, I also have a good idea of whether this person would be a good hire or not. In a startup, every single hire is crucial and every dollar spent on salary is way too important to make this decision lightly based on friendship or kinship.

I've often had close friends ask me to give one of their family or friends a job, "Because they really need it." I am not completely heartless to the importance of need, but I've usually found that if someone desperately needs a job and is unable to find or keep one for a long period of time, there is often a reason. If I don't know them personally, they are going to have to go through a rigorous interview process to make sure they are qualified for the position. I am most likely to be even harder on a distant acquaintance because if things don't work out it will be extremely hard resolve the situation and can harm friendships beyond repair.

If I do know someone well, I know their character well enough to know if they would be a good hire. I personally give preference to someone I know well enough to be sure they are a good employee, even if they may not have as many direct qualifications as other candidates. There are very few things that can't be taught, if I know they are a hard worker and great team player.

Anyone else have experiences working with family or friends that have gone bad? How did you handle the situation and how did it affect the relationship? How about situations that have turned out great? What did you do right in these cases?